weekend at esptein’s (12. 685)

Following a virtually silent period with suspiciously few tweets from the White House and zero public events scheduled (though Trump would be the easiest figure to reanimate through AI given all the braggadocio, vindictive nonsense and non-sequitirs he’s said and could be truly perpetuated forever by the party in the fashion of Lenin or the Kim dynasty), rumours—probably wishful thinking and premature—began to circulate on the president’s preferred platform and elsewhere of his death or disability, which would be doubly iconic given it’s the Labour Day long weekend, having destroyed the morale of the federal workforce, dismantled trade unions and lurched the American worker towards technocratic feudalism and the forced exodus at the Centres for Disease Control and accepting medical advice from the likes of RFK Jr. No official statement was put out to the contrary, coming after weeks of JD Vance saying he is ready to take on the presidency should need arise, which in fairness is his job description though woefully ill-equipped to hold the coalition of the vile, the expendable, opportunists and useful idiots plus with Trump talking about getting into Heaven, convinced that a Noble peace prize would persuade St Peter (tariffing India fifty-percent for not sponsoring his nomination) and for now there’s only one grainy photograph of Trump golfing, perhaps a body-double—at the course where he buried his ex-wife in order to earn a tax-exemption by designating the property as a cemetery—having been snuffed out to keep her from dishing on Trump’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein, perhaps foreshadowing his own new tactic for delay and distraction, by dying—“it will be the biggest death of all time!” Though very much of a tool and pliable like Trump, Vance has a deficit of the charisma to fill the power vacuum and there will be a violent crisis of succession. We won’t believe it until Russian state media is preempted with Swan Lake and announces the death of long-time operative Krasnov. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION IN THIS MATTER!  We now return to regular programming already in progress.