Monday, 3 July 2017


Chaired with distinction by his Viceroy whilst Dear Leader busies himself savaging the press with greater and great sophistication and unwavering maturity, the reception of his “election integrity” committee charged with the prevention of voter-fraud, which is cited as having cost Dear Leader the popular vote. Half of the governors of the states of the Union have either expressed that they have no intention of surrendering their voter rolls, to include names addresses, party affiliation and past voting history, over to the federal government for the commission’s inspection—or have only offered to compile that data that is already publicly available.
We hope this trend of not giving cowing to his whims endures.  Dear Leader questions what have those states (both those who supported him and those that rail against him) to hide—heralding more thinly-veiled threats to follow. Voter fraud is a far more specious bugaboo than terrorism and is not an endemic or significant problem any jurisdiction, and without a secret-ballot or political privacy there’s no means to safeguard an electorate from intimidation, blackmail or buying and selling votes. No doubt real task of this committee is to make voter registration a more onerous task for those of the wrong persuasion, and no doubt the 2020 US Census is not safe from such an unnecessary and partisan overhaul—especially when the lines of representation can be redrawn and drive dissenting voices further into the margins. Not only is Dear Leader’s investigation about consolidating power and gaslighting those with independent opinions, it also begs the largest breach of personal data of all time—providing hackers with a large, lethargic target easy enough to prise open.