Wednesday, 25 February 2009

what we have here is a failure to communicate

Just as we learn that words are not mere artillery--volleys of wounding, explosive things to express demands and discomfort, and rather capable of conveying sense, language, mediation and even persuation (sophistry and philosophy) and art--emails too are a form communication. No one need answer to me, even when I am acting, apeing as my boss, but most are ready to cooperate with me. Mostly. There are a few that I work with who I'm convinced emails are one-way conduits, there to express wants and demands without waiting for an answer or feedback, despite any salutations to the contrary. That makes me insane: we utilize email an awful lot at work--and not just as viable evidence to safeguard our minor and major mistakes--as a form of communication. I suspect that the people who do not bother to reply to demands issued would niggle through a face-to-face conversation in the same frustrating way.

Monday, 23 February 2009

F.B.I.--Urgent Response Needed (805)

To: Undisclosed Recipients

Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.Federal Bureau Of Investigation.J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington DcCustomers Service Hours--Monday To Saturday:Office Hours Monday To Saturday: Attn: Beneficiary,This is to Officially inform you that it has come to our notice and we have thoroughly Investigated with the help of our Intelligence Monitoring Network System that you are having an illegal Transaction with Impostors claiming to be Prof. Charles C. Soludo of the Central Bank Of Nigeria, Mr. Patrick Aziza, Mr Frank Nweke, none officials of Oceanic Bank, Zenith Banks, kelvin Young of HSBC, Ben of FedEx, Ibrahim Sule,Larry Christopher, Dr. Usman Shamsuddeen, Puppy Scammers are impostors claiming to be the Federal Bureau Of Investigation. During our Investigation, we noticed that the reason why you have not received your payment is because you have not fulfilled your Financial Obligation given to you in respect of your Contract/Inheritance Payment.

The New American President Barrack Obama have made way to all americans who have not yet received their payment, In recent ages, The American experienced difficulties in receiving their funds because of the former presidents of USA, As you know quite well that Nigeria is a black country and the Past American presidents treats the blacks in the america like slaves, The White americans practice races against the blacks and the Nigerian Government is not happy about this and this is the main reason why your payment have been delayed with one excuse or the other, Your New President Barrack Obama had a meeting with the Nigerian President some weeks ago and for the fact, Barrack Obama is a black man and will stop races in America, All americans are eligible to receive their payment now without anymore headaches. This is a good news to you so act fast and receive your payment now without anymore delay.Please I have taken this measure, having observed and known what you have suffered in your pursuit so far to claim Since the Federal Bureau of Investigation is involved in this transaction, you have to be rest assured for this is 100% risk free it is our duty to protect the American Citizens. All I want you to do is to contact the ATM CARD CENTER via email for their requirements to proceed and procure your Approval Slip on your behalf which will cost you $250.00 only and note that your Approval Slip which contains details of the agent who will process your transaction.


Do contact Mr. SMITH WILLIAMS of the ATM CARD CENTRE with your details:







So your files would be updated after which he will send the payment information’s which you'll use in making payment of $250.00 via Western Union Money Transfer or Money Gram Transfer for the procurement of your Approval Slip after which the delivery of your ATM CARD will be effected to your designated home address without any further delay.

We order you get back to this office after you have contacted the ATM SWIFT CARD CENTER and we do await your response so we can move on with our Investigation and make sure your ATM SWIFT CARD gets to you.We assure you that your parcel will arrive your country within 2 days as soon as this company receive the payment of $250 by you and the tracking number of your parcel will be sent to you via e-mail immediately so that you can track it yourself to see whether we are competent in the discharge of our duties.Thanks and hope to read from you soon.





Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Mr.SMITH WILLIAMS of the ATM CARD CENTRE who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation

Wednesday, 18 February 2009

Not pink, not green, not aqua-marine

Thinking about the new place, lay out and what to do with the walls, I wonder if German paint samples come on swaths with fun but essentially meaningless names, like one finds in American DIY shops. I wonder that's its not mutually intelligible to describe something as a shade more puce and tang less magenta, more seagreen and not so much aqua-marine (though I am sure there are well-defined standards--especially for branded-colours and exacting pigment combinations). H may cringe sometimes when he looks at the decor-handiwork of my current place. H has got some nicely accented walls, a green or red boarder to divide the rooms, where as I decided it might brighten up the place if I painted, a Fools' Gold yellow, which I applied over the wallpaper, which was a midnight sky blue textured paper with glow-in-the-dark stars that show through when the room is pitch-black. It seemed like a good idea at the time--it makes for a strange blend that's not found in nature. I think, since we've sort of departed the realm of reason with descriptives, new colours ought to be given tasteless and offensive names--khmer rouge, hussy white, soylent green, high-yellow, and brown shirt brown.

Sunday, 15 February 2009

A Visit from the Lint Fairy

Sometimes when folding laundry out of the drier (folding it--as opposed to the usual routine of scrounging something to wear out of it, only to transfer back to the washer without the interim state of being nicely bundled and pressed and in the Schrank) I find such little gifts in my pockets, perfectly formed lint-eggs, prodigal lighters that miraculously still light, shiny clean coins and wrinkled notes. Money is a terribly dirty thing, and one wouldn't want to find rough-handled sums in his pants. These little gifts sometimes make the domestic drudgery worthwhile.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

green thumb

My home is the green-house of unwanted plants. Many I've rescued during office moves and brought home, like ugly strays that don't have a chance of surviving the pound. There are skinny, stunted palms that hang on, I think, just out of spite, and weepy ones that grow sideways instead of up and out, despite my efforts to coax them towards better posture--and of course there are those that I've tried to fertilize and rehabilitate with bigger pots, mindful that that that fertilizer is a mixture of tired-out dirt, cigarette butts, ancient coffee pads and bunny poo. In a little cobblestone village without yards or trees, I don't think one is allowed to import enriched soil. My little deformed jungle is fine by me, although I am a little embarrassed for them to share the same space with H's perfect speciments of domestic horticulture.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

refreshing beverage

And lo, Johan decreed that there be two drinks: and there was coffee to rule the day and beer to rule the night. I swear, these handicaps and props have the potential to make me crazy. Not that a sequestered evening accompanied with cheap beer is all that shameful, a shared touch of wine makes for a definitely civil time. By the same measure. a spot of tea and some break-beat yoga, a discipline that I've since let slide considerably, makes the mornings seem ceremonial. It's a little declasse otherwise.

Monday, 9 February 2009

VD is for Everybody

Having ponificated before on the stories told by old, decrepid social-networking profiles, one popped up for me that I had forgotten about. I hope that for everyone, neglected personals have true love in their obsolesence. I wonder how Yahoo! knew, but I guess it guessed right after so long neglect.

Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Won't get Fooled Again

Here, on my desk is a picture of the new boss--there was never a photo of the old boss in the office, that I keep forgetting to find a suitable frame for (it's of course printed on a shiny A-4 European-sized page, and government-issue frames are 8 1/2" by 11" and I can't bear to trim him to size), which has been there since the day after the inaugeration. I feel guardedly optimistic about the future of the economy and my own job security--I think maybe that ought to be the one constant but timorous bulwark of America, a reliably strong influence on trade and the markets, that and a beacon of freedom and liberty. Speaking of my own job security--without going into the details of keeping a standing army and other relics of the Cold War, day by day, I come to realize that the entity known as USAREUR (pronounced "use-a-rawr," the Army likes for its acronyms to be flubbed out loud) exists exclusively as a make-work program for those individuals in the witness protection program. Daily, as we reinvent the catch-22, I feel certain that that is the one rational explanation for the rampant illogic.

Monday, 2 February 2009


H was very surprised to hear that the pageantry associated with Groundhog Day is believed to be steeped in traditional German rites of Spring. Americans apparently excuse their silly behaviour by offering that the Pennsylvania Dutch came from the old world for the freedom to celebrate Imbolc in the way that Thor intended, without fear of persecution. I suspect that the whole notion is another example of patrician ridicule for those who dragged their feet when converting from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar, like April Fools' day. Today certainly felt like Spring, however, and I hope the vermin didn't spy its shadow. I bet H was as surprised to hear of the German influence as I was to find out that Germans believe there is a mandate for an ornament, some representation of a pickle on every American Christmas tree. "A Gurken?," I said. Yes, hidden somewhere apparently, like the word "Mini" on the picture-puzzles of the Mini-Page or like the allegory in Leonardo's paintings in the Da Vinci Code. I'll find the Holy Grail yet.